hello again. apparently there ARE people in this world of xanga.  crazy.

there is something i need you to know.  and by "you" i mean, the collective "you" of people who know me, who read this, or don't read this, but mainly just know me.  i care about you.  i suck at showing it, and sometimes i don't hang out or initiate things, and sometimes im always busy, but i care about you.  and most of the time, im just too scared to ask you how you are doing.  im too scared to pry, because i don't want to push you too far, or bother you too much.  but i desperately want to know how i can empathize with you, how i can just sit and listen to you rant/talk about nothing, how i can pray for you, or be there for you.  i mean, seriously.  i really really really want to know.  and sometimes you don't want me to know.  but i still want to know.  i am acutely aware when you are down or upset.  this is why i sometimes ask, "are you okay?"  im not sure how much i can push you to give me an honest response, so alot of the times i just wait. so i want you to know, im waiting, not ignoring.  im waiting, not giving up. 

i care about you.  seriously.  please let me be there for you if you need it.  thanks.





in other news, i have been experimenting some more with cooking vegetables.  first attempt at spinach was a failure.  will make attempt number 2 soon. 


news on the christmas front.  i am trying to put something together but it seems harder than it used to be.  maybe because i have less motivation.  maybe because i feel like i am everywhere and flitting from social group to social group again. scattered.  gah. 


more thoughts later. 

every blog entry i've written in the last like, 3 years or so have started with "long time no write" or "it's been awhile"...or something of that nature.  except the ones where im just venting.  i think its time to put an end to that. 

im not even sure if i've really risen out of this thing called depression, but im ready to be free.  damn.  im so ready. 

also, i need to be free to write what i want on this blog, and not be judged.  i mean, really i just need to scream out my thoughts, and sometimes, or often, those thoughts include cussing.  so im sorry, if it offends anyone, and im sorry im not setting a great example, and im sorry if it seems unchristian, but i am just being honest.  sometimes even when im talking to God some of these words slip out.  i believe in honesty.  God does too.  deal with it. 


i've been angry this summer.  at alot of things.  God has been speaking to me about being humble, and less intolerant of incompetent people.  why?  because i am an incompetent person.  there's no way i deserve to sit on my high horse.  so...people are not perfect.  neither am i.  i am dealing with it.  and please, friends, if i start sitting on my high horse again, put me in my place.  knock me off of it fast.  it's bad for me. 

living in the apartments has been an enjoyable experience.  i enjoy "cooking."  this often consists of boiling dumplings, or frying rice.  but i find it delicious.  i have not, however, been super consistent in trying to maintain community.  i get this feeling that i've been gone from it too long.  and sometimes i wonder to myself, is it worth it?  is it worth this final year?  how deep can a relationship really go in just one year?  and then i think, well i don't care.  because to be honest, sometimes i don't.  i don't give a shit if i never see some of these people ever again.  that makes me feel bad.  like shit, really.  i am totally past the, "go-out-of-my-way-to-make-friends" stage of my life.  i shouldnt be, but i am.  im sorry.  im working on it.  don't give up on me, yea? thanks. 


i have never felt this poor before.  its a weird experience, learning to manage finances in order to meet rent every month.  im not doing a very good job, but im getting better.  one less meal out a week here, not buying a new CD there.  everything adds up.  i know this now.  



i quit my credential program.  it is terrifying and satisfying.  that is all i want to say about that. 


this entry has been quite broken up.  this is more or less what goes on in my mind now.  fragmented thoughts.  pieces.  one day i'll learn to be whole again.  maybe even with the help of drugs.  [half joking]  thanks for reading.  im not sure i care what you think, but thanks for reading. 

i am not free.





As I survey my emotions from the last year and in the last few weeks, this thought keeps reentering my mind: I am not free.  I want to scream it out, repeatedly, until someone understands.  So much of Christianity is about living in the freedom that Christ offers, but there is a part of me that scoffs at this idea bitterly and scorns the very truth that is supposed to set me free.  I am obviously not free. I live in sin, in guilt, in shame and regret.  I will never cease to be bound by the opinions of others, and never stop falling into temptation.  I will never stop being afraid of relationships, and I will never learn how to be loved.  God's grace will probably never be enough for me. 

Pretty words.  Meaningless. 

I long desperately to experience true joy, and true peace.  But it can't happen until I am free. 





and I am not free.